Archive Page 2

So completely irrelevant, but…

The other night I ended being up way too late and watched this horrible talk show that was focused on women’s poor body image. It really saddens me. First of all that there is a show on TV that is worthy of discussing body image, when there are so many serious “f’d” problems in the world, sickens me.  Man, love what the good Lord gave you already. One of my fellow bartenders at work who is skinny as a rail has the nerve to complain about being F.A.T. She’s literally microscopic. It’s one of those instances that make you feel, “Wow, if you’re fat, what am I, Jabba the Hut? I hate to say this, because it’s almost socially unacceptable to admit it, but I’m actually completely happy with my body. Granted, I could be a lot smaller in some parts of my body, have less “beauty” marks, golden skin, etc… the list could go on and on, but I digress… My point is, who you are and how you feel about yourself should depend a lot more on the life you lead.

Wait. This post started out about how I want to banish low-rise jeans. Seriously I hate them. I dunno. Since my favorite skinny-22-year-old, button-fly-high-waisted-that-hug-me-in-all-the-right-places jeans were vandalized past the point of of wearable, I have a new appreciation for high waisted jeans. Seriously, as a grown woman with a waist that starts just before my shoulders begin, I rally for the re-invention of what some may call “mom-jeans”. If I buy lowrise jeans that fit where fashion designers think my waist is, I end up looking like I have a dump in pants. Conversely, if I buy jeans that fit my behind, the low-rise jeans cut right into my my stomach. Giving me what some would affectionately call a “Muffin Top.” How many times have you been out and about and seen ladies pulling up the drawers? If these women had access to jeans that were actually held up by the small of their waist, this would be a non-issue. Anywho, I never had to pull up my 22-year-old-button-fly’s. They came up to belly button. Big deal. It’s not like I’m in the business of wearing belly shirts anyways.

I guess what I am saying is that poor body image might be a design issue. That’s all.

(P.S. They were 22-year-old jeans because I bought them when I was 22 years old. Not 8. God, I loved those jeans… they’re getting their own play-list.)

SCRATCH EVERYTHING I JUST WROTE: Check these puppies out!
Why didn’t I think of these?

Pajama Jeans

You’re welcome.

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Fall of F & UN (Sounds better than Fall of D & EBUACHERY)

It’s on like Donkey Kong…

Well, not so much, but as the new season starts there’s many, many things to be excited about. For starters I have only 8 more weeks of school. Then I will be a Master of Disaster. It’s about time that I get a fancy preface other than just being a disaster. Also, the time has come for me to put my big girl britches back on. C’est la vie my sweet flip flops, tending bar and sleeping until noon… Mama’s going to be a working girl! Time to shine my heels… (Okay, so the prospect of job hunting and lavishly pursuing a company, makes my skin crawl, but I’m trying to stay positive.)

Also, while I prefer the hot summer sun, I do love me some fall activities: bonfires, Ohio State games, Halloween, Birthdays, Thanksgiving and big sweaters. (Wait. That last one isn’t really an event.) But you get the gist. It’s action packed all the way until January. In addition, my awesome cousin, Andrew, is coming to town. He’s one of those “Full-of-lifers”. (As if that’s an everyday cliche.) He has been doing some amazing work reporting for the American Birding Association on the BP oil spill. We’re mui proud and I’m pretty pumped to see him. So yeah, all signs point upward.

These are actually the things I’m trying to focus on. In reality I just got done creating a R.I.P. Classic iPod playlist that has the most depressing songs you have ever heard of. Yeah, this is the one, for people who like, really love to cry. This is the crying (okay, sobing) in the shower playlist. It’s for people that take joy in watching the movie Precious. I actually don’t want to post it in fear of what it may do to some people —or the intervention that some of my friends might attempt to schedule. So things are, (how do you say?), meh. It’s just your basic laundry list of things that suck: Financial aid continues to play a very time consuming game of cat and mouse with me while I try and sink every moment into school and tending that bar, my car needs $500 of work done, while I’m (how do you say) a little behind on the payments thereof, my DEAR SWEET iPOD is broken (God, give me the will to live!), I’m breaking out like a thirteen year old, rent is due aaaand some clown on match.com wrote me a very long “You’re stuck up” letter just because I didn’t respond to his “wink”… So I’m just saying, if you see me riding a bike with a boombox on my shoulder, please don’t judge me if I might be smoking in transport… Why was this so much easier last January?

So without further ado… The Fall of “F” & “UN” (Sounds better that Fall of ‘D’ & “EBAUCHERY’) playlist:

  1. Animal, by Neon Trees
    This song is great in so many ways. For starters: It’s a pretty great work out song. I want some more… “Excuse, me waitress, I’d like my abs aaand my thighs to burn tomorrow. Can we kick it up a notch?” Plus I love the phrase “Say Goodbye to my heart tonight”. As if it comes out. “Hey guys, I’m leaving my heart at home tonight, everybody say peace out.” Any who, good jam.
  2. Paris (Oh Oh la la), Grace Potter and the Nocturals
    Baller. End of story. Here’s the studio version. Impressive. It’s really hard to find a jam that says (from a lady’s perspective), “I’m gonna getcha” without a school girl pop artist. I hate those little pop music divas.
  3. Come on Over (All I want is You), by Christina Aguilera
    I lied. Pop music has it’s place under the sun. I don’t care who you are. So I resorted to listening to some old CDs in lie of my broken iPod. This song is off the “My Hetero-lifemate Mix” gifted to me by my college roomate, Merideth, circa 2003. We worked at a little Mexican Restaurant at the time. At the end of the night, after all our customers left and we strapped on that massive vacuum pack to clean the place, we’d blast this song on. I think Merideth even had the Spanish version. Oh the fond memories…
  4. Ready to Start, by Arcade Fire
    I have got to get my hands on this album. I love this band. (Of course I do. Yeah, I’m going to pimp out a bunch of music by bands that I hate.) While this song may not be super upbeat in content, you can’t help but move. You’re welcome.
  5. Gotta Have You, by the Weepies
    Ah, the cool down. This is definitely one of those fallsy-pull-back the covers songs. Deb Talan’s voice is simply intoxicating.
  6. Dylan’s Hard Rain, Ryan Bingham
    If I could drink someone’s voice I’d be toting his around in a 2 liter. It gives me goosebumps. But seriously, I’m not one for expletives in songs, but in this case it’s completely appropriate. With election time flooding every channel with vicious campaigns, I think it’s essential to have a song about problem solving. “Maybe one day our friends will be American farmers.” I’m not a pot smoker focker, but it just makes sense.
  7. Maggie’s Farm, by Bob Dylan
    Speaking of… So with jobs looming, one of my favored customers told me to make a list of companies that I would kill to work for. It’s not just about seeing what’s out there, it’s about having a fulfilling career with a company you love. Of course my buddy Jimmy Fallon was at the top along with Rolling Stone’s Magazine. We’re dreaming big, right? Well, yesterday I was watching my favorite late night show, and Jimmy’s guest was Jann Wenner, the Editor of Rolling Stone Magazine and the President of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum Foundation. He was the guy that recently interviewed President Obama for the magazine. When discussing the President’s playlist he mentioned Bob Dylan. He assumed, of course, that the President’s pick was ‘The Times the are a Changing‘. I sat on my couch saying, “Don’t say my favorite Dylan song, Maggie’s Farm, which is about no-longer working for the man.” Needless to say, it was this very song that my two favorite prospective employers were raving about. So I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks trying to figure out a perfect package that will blow Mr. Wenner’s mind. The coincidences are just too eerie to not react to. What am I Chandler, of Friend’s interning with 20-somethings? We’ll see what happens…
  8. Ordinary, by the Alternate Routes
    This song of course, is amazing. It’s a little opposite of the big dream of the previous song. It poses the question of whether you’d be happy with an ordinary life. It talks about the people at your funeral. It’s just so touching. Life is about the people you touched (not literally), not your FINANCIAL AID FORMS. I’m just saying. This song is about perspective. I have a feeling that if I were to trade my car and iPod for a bike and a boombox, I’d still have countless people cheering me on. This song always reminds me of my best friend’s dad. I just attended his 65th birthday party. While attended by many, it was a pretty intimate party. He’s a pretty simple guy. Growing up he had like a twelve pack of these ‘rust’ (maroon-reddish) shirts and he wore them to work every day. It was quite the running joke for us in high school, but now as adults, we marvel in the simplicity of it all. Anywho: He likes his donuts, gambling in West Virginia and most importantly, his family. I’m very lucky to be a part of it. That is what this song is about. If I could have a smidgen of that kind of value at the end of the day, I’d be a very lucky person.
  9. Hotel Yorba, by the White Stripes
    Back to fun already. Isn’t that what this playlist is about anyways? Listen to this song while watching this video of Disney’s Robin Hood muted. Timeless classics, melted together. Again, you’re welcome.
  10. Debra, by Beck
    This song is very near and dear to my heart, as it takes me back to simpler times and simple crushes. I want someone to step to me with a fresh pack of gum. (Nicorette gum is expensive, bitches!) 7 minutes of a Beck falsetto. Does it get any better than this?
  11. Bring It on Home to Me, by Sam Cooke
    This is baby making music. That’s all I’m going to say about that.
  12. Head Full of Doubt / Road Full of Promise, The Avett Brothers
    Seriously, if you don’t have this album, I have no words for you. (Marly, I’m carrying around a copy in our identical purses, just for you.) There are so many nuggets of goodness on this piece. This song is definitely about hope. I’m a little “man down” right now. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all my work if financial aid doesn’t come through (Again!), nor if I walk out my very tiny apartment to find my broken car getting seized…  However, I’ll get through this time. I have a head full of doubt, in a lot of aspects of my life, but a road full of promise. I’m like Cleveland, with all the cards down, there’s gotta be a joker soon… That is what this song is about. Sometimes that’s all you got, —a song. Even if you have to call it into a radio station and wait patiently by your boombox to record it…

Seriously, this is way better than my R.I.P. Classic iPod Playlist. One day soon I’ll unveil my “Bomb Ass Rap Mix” from my college days and we’ll all be smiling then…


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The A.K. Rowdy Marathon…

So they gave me a medal. And I’ll be wearing it everywhere I go.

Yeah, I’m not going to lie. It’s pretty special. It will go real nicely next to my third place bowling trophy from fifth grade and certificate for best pronunciation in German 2 (of course that was after I lived there for six years so don’t get all excited.) I make jokes, but it was actually pretty cool being a part of it all. Apparently, it’s a pretty big deal. People travel from around the world to participate in this race. Also, I had never been in a relay before, which was cool. You feel pretty bad-ass slapping that slap-bracelet on to start your leg (even for a Sunday trotter like myself.) Also, I AM SUPER PROUD of my friend Megan who did the 5.7 mile leg of the race. She also just started running this year and I think it’s an awesome accomplishment! 5.7 miles! That’s pretty bold for a first timer…

So the important part is that I didn’t die. It was 2.8 miles, half of it up hill, after a summer of smoking like it was my job. My quitting September 1st efforts have been lack-luster. However, on Sunday, after the marathon and I wild night out for my friend Kate’s birthday, I was done. Today, I am on day two no cigarettes. Man this really sucks. I can’t believe I have to do this again.

You’d think that after going through this whole process of quitting, that it would be enough to never want to do it again… Wish me luck… again…

Next year Megan wants us to run the half marathon…

I need to invest in Flash-Cards…

It’s not really the worst problem to have, but I am really tired of getting hit on while bartending. I know it’s part of the territory, but come on already! Some of it can be flattering, but more so it just makes me feel a little awkward. I have a pretty strict policy about dating customers. Politely telling customers no can be a little exhausting. The awkwardness that follows is the worst part.

There’s also a fine line: You want to be nice to your customers, but you don’t want to go out with them. It’s a little bit of a tough act to pull off on regular basis, and if I’m being honest, some customers, you don’t even want to be nice to.

So yesterday this couple comes in. The wife is this meek little thing while the husband acts like he practically owns the place. He went on and on about his bad day and how he can’t sleep… (So now I’m a therapist?) They decide to sit outside on our new patio. The wife lags behind and asks if I am going to come outside and cheer her husband up. “Sure”,  I tell her (Cause that’s my job). She then proceeds to tell me that he’ll tip me really good if I flash him! Anybody that knows me well would know that when I exclaimed “Okay, Cool!” with a smile that I really meant “Go @$# yourself!”

What else could I say? I was caught so off guard. I probably could have avoided the situation if I would have simply said, “No, Thank you.” So it was pretty awkward when I delivered their next round of drinks. The husband says that “I told her I would do it”. I was polite about it, but I told him that it was certainly a miscommunication and that it was never going to happen. She really thought she was going to collect on that???

Then the came back inside and stayed for another hour, telling me how cool I am and that they were such good tippers, blah, blah, blah… So yeah, that was pretty uncomfortable. I began to wonder, does that work for them? What is their tag-team success rate? Does that really happen in a lot of places? What is the standard tipping rate for things like that? I am so inexperienced in flash-trade game… Anywho…

Tonight I am donating my tips to the American Cancer Society. I know it’s my slowest night, but c’mon. I’ve got smokes to buy…

***UPDATE***

The next Monday they came back. We had to call the cops because he got into a fight with another customer over giving him a ride home. These guys are probably about fifty years old. And it was about 3pm ON A MONDAY!

I heart bartending.

Best. Summer. Ever.

Okay, so last summer I went to Europe, so it’s a close tie.

I certainly gave my cigarettes a hell of a farewell summer block party. Apparently, they weren’t quite ready to be done. I had quite the summer of concerts, parties and ‘F’ and ‘UN’. Day one of non-smoking, and I seriously wonder why it was that I needed to include smoking in all of that madness. As if it makes rocking out any more bad-ass… I just doesn’t make sense. I’m certainly not any less funny as a non-smoker nor am I any more apt to following rules…

A couple of random things before we get started on the Fall of ‘F’ and ‘ITNESS’:

  1. I saw Crazy Heart w/Jeff Bridges. Okay, Baller Soundtrack. Props to Jeff Bridges for a utilizing his pipes and having the courage to drunkly stumble to bathroom floor in his tightie-whities. However D- on the storyline. 85% of the film was spent with the main character, Bad Blake, played by Bridges demonstrating the effects of extreme alcoholism. 10% of the film deals with Blake realizing that he’s an alcoholic and the remaining 5% shows rehabilitation and redemption. Now, I’m not a doctor, nor a film-maker for that matter, but having a little experience with Nicotine addiction, I would wager to say that becoming sober and staying sober is the meat of the matter. The film takes you on a rock’n’roll ride that somewhat glorifies Blake’s lifestyle. And of course, he writes a hit song at the end to make it all better. Again this song, The Weary Kind, is beautiful —seriously I would take nothing away from it, but they made rehab+ looks so simple. I’m just saying: Can we fast forward to the royalty checks, marathon victories and tobacco being a faint memory in my case?
  2. Fire Safe Cigarettes: These have me a little frightened. Ethylene vinyl acetate sounds like something used in bookmaking. Seriously meine zigaretten taste horrible since they added this last fall. Not that they were awesome beforehand, but come on! As if A) we need one more chemical added to cigarettes, B) another crutch for self-responsibility. Anywho, that stuff is bad. One more reason to quit. If you’re planning on continuing to smoke, look into rolling your own.
  3. One of my customers at the bar took a chiromancy class in college. That’s fancy for palm reading. Apparently, I am going to have two husbands, but my “marriage” lines do something funky that he doesn’t quite understand by merging… So I took some liberty and assume that it means that I am going two husbands at the same time. I mean, it makes sense… Being a husband is a tough job, might as well share the responsibilities, no? “Two husbands for every Girl!” Isn’t that how that Beach Boys song goes? Anywho, so I’m pretty pumped about that little tidbit of information. I know one thing: One of them is going to be a mechanic, because I have car issues…
  4. I met that blogger that I am going to marry. Very sweet and charming. That’s all I’m going to say about that… the other husband of course is going to have a monster music collection…
  5. That hot Blue Steele boy moved. Apparently after me you get your trip to the land of opportunity. Which apparently isn’t Cleveland these days. I got one quarter left to make something happen here. I do love my hometown and everyone here, and do feel that there is a lot of opportunity here, but I guess everyone else nay-saying the city is beginning to get to me. I guess it would be helpful if maybe I started looking for a job… We’ll see what happens…
  6. My apologies to Snookie. After a long summer of concerts, 70% of which I spotted Mr. Pink or some of his friends at, I finally caught a glimpse of my replacement. Which of course wasn’t really the case as he was dating her while he was dating me… but I digress… She doesn’t look like Snookie from Jersey shore. She kinda looks like a poodle. And she likes Justin Timberlake. She must’ve been who he confused me with when he said to me: “For someone who doesn’t like Pearl Jam, you sure have a lot of Pearl Jam.” Aaand I’m not just being spiteful, the other dudes I was with confirmed that she “wasn’t cute”. Aaaand make no mistake, I’m not happy about it. As a matter of fact I hate it when people tell me that my exes new girls aren’t cute. For the love: Trade up, already! I’d be much happier seeing my ex getting married to a supermodel than, well, a poodle. If they aren’t cuter than me it means they have a better personality than me… or maybe a better credit score… or god-forbid, funnier than me… once I was told that the choice for the other girl was based on the fact that she worked at Victoria Secret and got a discount… Don’t get me started… Anywho, I finally deleted him as a facebook friend about a month ago. I’m over it. I swear. I’m just giving the update.
  7. Chicago was awesome! It was an excellent end to a fantastic summer concert series. Myself, my besties Josie and Jennifer packed into the Corolla for a good old fashion road trip. DJ Jazzy Jose was playing all the hits. Friday night the three of us went out and cut a rug! Yes, we dance clubbed it up! I wore my silver sequin shirt that my sister keeps saying is “too much” every time I try it on. I can’t remember the last time we went out dancing. Whitney Houston’s “How will I know?” came on and we went crazy, definitely showing our age. I, in all my graceful drunken glory, dramatically spun around the stripper poll “singing in the rain”-style and completely wiped out. Disco-ball down! I’m sure we were quite the sight.
  8. Oh, yeah the Counting Crows concert was awesome as well. A little bizarre, though. Ravinia Park is a strange beautiful little venue. You have to be sitting in the pavilion to actually see the concert. The rest of the venue is a wooded park with a small “field” that has screens set up in a few places. We really were not prepared. The other concert goers brought tables (tables? yes, tables to a concert), chairs, candelabras, fondue sets, cards, checkers, wine, luxurious cheese spreads…. “Hmm, Paddington! Pull around mommy’s Mercedes!” It was very fancy. It was also very chatty. It was a really tough place to listen to a concert. Midway through the show Jose and I finally secured a spot at the edge of the pavilion where we could see and hear the show. It was pretty amazing. They played continuously with Augustana covering Van Morrison’s Caravan, Dylan’s Just Like a Woman and ended with This Land is my Land. Great finale to the Summer of ‘F’ and ‘UN”!

New Rules

So here we go again… Back on the non-smoking wagon today.

Rule #1: 365 Days sans cigarettos starts today. No cigarettes until September 1st, 2011.

Rule #2: Forget creamed onions. (Although I owe my brosef two come Thanksgiving.) If I blaze up, I will donate an entire bar tending shift to the American Cancer Society. Let’s get real, I mean I’m petrified that have to eat a disgusting creamed onion, but let’s hit me where it hurts: my pocket book… I’m can’t even afford the sandwich I’m eating right now. If I score some big jobby-job of course the same applies.

Rule #3: No prizes. I’m not a child. The prize is relinquishing a very unhealthy habit.

So far it hasn’t been too bad, considering I smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes yesterday. Aaaand I’ve had a pretty major upset today… Forget that I’m facing a major choice of whether I want to make my car payment or fix my car: Rent is due, tuition is due, etc… However, my beloved iPod took a dump on me! MY IPOD! WHAT’S NEXT?!?!? How can I train without my jams? How will I preoccupy my mind while driving sans cigarettes if I can’t sing at the top of my lungs??? I’ll probably die now. Great, just great.

So, yeah… got some figuring to do… But am impressed that I didn’t say, “Eff it! Plane’s going down, smoke ’em if you got ’em!”

This was my Friday Night

The Continental

Click the link above to watch the video.