St. Patrick’s Day :: Lights Out 4pm

So after a long bragging dinner with my twenty year old brother about how I am a professional, well trained and seasoned day drinker, I had an insert-foot-in-mouth St. Patrick’s Day and photos to prove it.

You see, I am not one of those paint-your-face, dress-up-like-a-leprechaun, scream-in-people’s-faces, kiss-me-I’m-Irish, get-crazy-drunk-on-green-beer-and-shots-at-ten-in-tha-morning Irish lassies. I prefer to make it to the at least mid-night finish line. As a matter of fact I kinda get a little annoyed with the whole crazy mess for several reasons.

  1. Crowds drive me crazy.
  2. Drunken green crowds drive me crazy.
  3. I’m not entirely sure about the history of St. Patrick and am a lackadaisical Catholic, but I really don’t think that when the saint used the shamrock to teach people about the holy trinity that he was referring to public intoxication, public urination and corn beef as fourth-meal.

I know, I should stick to the family end of the parade.

Nonetheless, all my friends are out in Cleveland so every St. Patrick’s day I make it my goal to meet up with all of them. It’s a pretty social day. It’s not every day that a large circle of friends are all in one convenient location of Downtown Cleveland. It’s so crowded and crazy, I usually only manage to meet up with one or two groups, but that is my goal.

I got a late start. I was on spring break last week, so I wasn’t doing anything fast. I decided to meet my friend Brian and a couple of his buddies around 1pm. I had two vodka-sodas at the first bar, shared a we’re-leaving-for-the-parade-any-minute Guinness with Brian and then we headed out for the parade.

We probably spent and hour walking around downtown and watching the parade. Good Lord, the weather was beautiful. Man, this has been really tough. As soon as it starts to get a little sunny in sometimes dismal Cleveland, I get a wicked itch:: CUTTING CLASS, PATIO BEERS and of course, CIGARETTES… Brian and his crew had a few smokes, but I was good. Just watching and drooling…

So I’m about two & half libations deep. The next bar we went to had super awesome ski-ball machines. Over a Miller Lite, Brian challenged me to a friendly game. I, of course, won. (Athletic, I am not, but am a certain champion of bar “sports”). So dear Brian thought a shot was in order. Of course we had to go with Jameson, in lie of, a) St. Patrick’s Day b) the fact that Brian thinks of me as one of the boys and thinks that I need more hair on my chest. I refused. Okay, so he didn’t have to twist my arm…

Anywho, it was basically complete and total lights out for me at 3pm. I remember bits and pieces of the rest of the day:

  1. I managed to find my sister one bar over where we took our traditional yell at the camera drunken St. Patrick’s day pictures.
  2. I managed to get myself into a cab to meet my friend Jenny at a bar across town, where I ate some corned beef and apparently had a somewhat articulate conversation with her and one of our friends, of which I remember absolutely nothing of.
  3. I traveled on with them to this “new” bar that I have been hearing about for over a year and haven’t been to. Of course the only thing I remember is begging Jenny to sleep in her car.
  4. And that I did. Late afternoon in a little bit of a shady part of Ohio City, thirty year old me, took a nap in my friend’s back seat. Lovely. I’m such a prize.
  5. Of course there are pictures. I’d post them, but I busy getting them developed to put on my mother’s fridge.

Oh, yeah… and I managed to puff on a cigarette.

There will be much more to come on this horrid event. But it is too soon to talk about it. It tasted horrible and when I think about it, I want to yak. My brosef has been instructed to enforce the creamed onion and I am terrified.

More importantly I am terrified what this means for the future. Do I fail? Do I quit quitting? Do I change the blog name to “Three puffs on St. Paddy’s Day and Zero Cigarettes in 365 Days”? How ’bout “I smoke when I drink Jameson and Sleep in Cars”? That’s got a nice ring to it… Although Jameson will want residuals when I’m super famous… What now? On the two-month anniversary, no less!!! I’m so stripped of my “I haven’t smoked in two months” bragging rights.

The only thing that makes me happy about this miss-step is that it was exactly what licking an ashtray would be like. So gross. I’m appalled. I didn’t know how awful it tasted.

Oh yeah, also, now that I’ve slept in a car, I’m like Phoebe from Friends. I got street cred now. Coming soon to a neighborhood near you: Me starting sentences with: “Well, when I was homeless…”

Also —minor and discrete update: I have a third date with Mr. HSIBL. Sweet, handsome, funny… That’s all I will say about that for now. As I told my friends Billy and Brian who set me up with him: “Rule #1, you don’t talk about fight club.”

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2 Responses to “St. Patrick’s Day :: Lights Out 4pm”


  1. 1 Josie March 23, 2010 at 3:44 am

    Jenny is not your friend. She is your Best-Friends Sister. Who apparently gets custody of you during all the fun events.

  2. 2 0cigsfor365 March 24, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Well, next St. Paddy’s day, you can babysit me. I didn’t really know it was something worth fighting over. My sister will be thrilled.


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