a smoking cessation taboo

I can’t even believe that I am going to write about this. However, I find it my duty. No pun intended.

One of my friends, who shall remain nameless, also recently quit smoking. I applaud her. It’s almost been a month for her. Yeah! She’s been using Wellbutrin and says that it’s working out pretty well with one complaint: she’s a little constipated. I am no stranger to this. One time I quit using Wellbutrin and it was the worst! I personally find this to be one of most uncomfortable feelings in the world. I hate that “full” feeling. That is definitely a benefit of smoking. When you smoke, you’re “regulated” like clock work. I suggested raisin bran and fiber pills, she said that none of them worked so far.

In full on panic last night, I bought a huge bottle of VitaFusion Fiber Gummis. Five grams per two pieces. Not bad. This should do the trick.

So I had a job interview this morning at ten. When I woke up at 7:30, I felt a little “full”. I put on the coffee and made myself a bowl of raisin bran. Nervous about how that “full” feeling was going to effect my interview, I chugged a large glass of Apple Juice. But really, why stop at one? After my raisin bran I chugged another glass.

My sister and I had a brief convo about my friend’s problem and she told me that she took five fiber gummis last night. That’s 12.5 grams of fiber. (Kellogs.com recommends women from ages 19-50 to have at least 25 grams of fiber a day. Just an FYI.)

“Five?!?” I say, “You’re going to crap your pants on the way to class! HAHAHA!”

“Have another glass of apple juice —You’re going to crap your pants during your job interview!” She teased back as she left for class.

From the minute she walked out the door until I left for my job interview I was running to the toilet every four minutes. The back of my knees and my face was sweating. Try curling your hair when you have a monster banging on your back door every four minutes. My face got so sweaty, that I actually had to pin my bangs back. By the time I had leave for my job interview I was a hot mess.

The ride to the interview was no picnic. I drove with my hands and other things clenched. My sister’s words stung my ears. Is this really the day I crap my pants at a job interview??? At thirty??? The “Ooops I crapped my pants” SNL skit kept running through my head. I arrived at my destination with no time to spare. I grabbed my giant portfolio case and slowly walked across the icy parking lot. I was certain that if I slipped and fell, that would be it for me. It was really bad. I’ve had to hold it a few times over the course of my life, but this is the first time I couldn’t hide that I was holding it. I’m certain that anyone could see the agony in my face.

How I made it through the interview without crapping my pants is entirely unknown to me. It went well, I guess. It was a small publishing company that basically doesn’t know exactly what they want me to do for them and want me to make a proposal on how I can make their business better. I dunno… we’ll see. Between blogging, working out and school work, I’m not really sure how I’ll fit it all in.

But here’s the bottom line: If I could keep it together this morning, than I can definitely quit smoking. This wasn’t a craving —this was a violent force of nature. I conquered it. And I guess I also learned what worked for me. I don’t have to be constipated. Apparently I can give myself a home remedy colonic anytime I need. I talked to my sister after the interview and she had “no such luck” (lol) with her fiber gummies. Nothing.

Of course as soon as she got off the phone with me…

So there you have it, friend that shall remain nameless, perhaps raisin bran isn’t enough, but if you stop by my sister and I’s place, we can certainly make you a Molotov cocktail. Just don’t schedule anything important for the next couple of hours.

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2 Responses to “a smoking cessation taboo”


  1. 1 marley beans January 23, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    umm yeah…no comment! See my email to you 🙂

  2. 2 Happy Pants January 29, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Too funny! You should have worn a pull up. They come in larger sizes now!


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